Anxiety

Anxious, anxious, anxious. These are the pits that I feel like my stomach is about to fall, my breathing staggers. I can't find any way to relax. It seems that my soul really can't find rest. Maybe its just my physical body thats anxious. I don't think so. I shouldn't be anxious if I have the Lord. I don't really understand. I beg for peace all the time. I don't easily trust or believe that God can take care of it. I feel like I haven't laughed so hard in a really long time. I also have not posted something on this for a very long time. I could say I'm sorry a bunch of times. I feel as though I'm breaking God's heart every time I say I'll post something but I don't. I honestly just can't take it. I can't sleep when I feel anxious. I really just can't handle it and I feel like its overtaking me. Everyone wants peace, so does this girl. Help me to trust and believe, Lord. 

Swarm

Kind of a gross post but something that hit me quite a while back that I have been honestly too lazy to share. 

So, around different times of the year, when the weather gets warmer or rainy, giant flying ants begin to invade the household. These flying ants that enter my house are usually on the brink of their lives, kind of sad. Their attraction to light allows them to get stuck inside the lamp shades. I know I said flying but by the time they get into the shade, their wings are too weak to help them out. It's extremely gross, but theres a whole landing of dead flying ants on the bottom of the lampshade. I love this photo because it looks really cool but when I think about it, it reminds me about how I constantly fall into sin. The lamp shade holds dead flying ants, yet more flying ants keep entering in. There are some sins that just continuously haunt me, just like the attraction to the light, some sins I fall back into just look so attractive but are so destructive. I tend to fall back into them, thinking that I'd be able to get out but just like the flying ant, I can't. These are the times when I know I have to run to God but it's so hard. It's been a constant struggle but I've overcome a sin that has haunted me for so long. His love for me remained constant even when I kept running to these sins. I inevitably will fall back to sin but I need to remember that God has his arms open wide, I just need to drop the sin and turn away from it. 

I am yours

"Who Am I" Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.
And You've told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours.

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.
And You've told me who I am.
I am Yours.

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.
And You've told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours, I am Yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours.

I went to a Christian school from preschool all the way to middle school. Every year they would force us to sing a Christian song for our parents one day out of the year during church. I remember in the fourth grade, the song was Who am I? by Casting Crowns. I had no idea what it meant.

Only eight years later would I be able to understand what this song meant. Today during church, the middle school choir sang this song and I was deeply moved. I have been struggling with my identity lately. I have been allowing myself to be defined by standardized test scores, relationships with people, my clothes, the list goes on. Not until now I would be able to see that I am Gods child, I am his. I am significant to him. All this time, I was trying to find satisfaction in this world. The lyrics in the chorus are so apparent to many Christians who are struggling with finding who God is to them. You are his, he wants you, don't struggle with letting him love you because he simply wants you. I wanted everything but him, now I see that the only thing I need is him. I hope this was encouraging. 

Past

Honestly, I feel like crap. Past sins have been coming back to me, making me feel disgusting, unlovable, unforgivable, and just making me more frustrated than I should be. I know that God forgives and always loves but I just don't feel like that right now. I see myself and I see someone who just wants attention, love and all the material things this world has to offer. My human body craves these things so much. I feel very distant from God because all I have been doing is just thinking about myself. I want to look like I have it all together when in truth, I'm just a broken mess. I haven't poured my heart out to God in a very long time. It seems that when life gets easier, all I want to do is enjoy the moment and not appreciate that God has brought me out of a trial. I know he is there but there are just those times when I cannot see or understand why I am here.

Your love

So many times in the midst of life, there is nothing to think about but all of my mistakes. All the things that hurt me and all the things that I have done to hurt people. Lately this overwhelming sense of pride has been weighing on my shoulders. I feel as if I want everyone to looks to me and say, "Woah, isn't she so great." But the thing is, I don't want that. Sure, recognition and fame can take someone somewhere but when it comes to Christ who died for me, shouldn't he be the one we all look up to and say, "Woah, isn't HE so great." He deserves that and so much more. There are so many things that I lack but an important one is love. Sounds simple doesn't it, just love more. Then why am I not doing it? I'm pretty sure it is because I am so consumed with myself and my desires that I cannot focus on loving others. Most importantly, loving God. I think now a days, all a blogger wants is followers, comments and love from other people but God is teaching me that all I need is his love. I want that love to spread into the life of anyone who reads this. God loves you and he does not want to hurt you. I want my life to imitate the love that he gave, gives, and will give this world. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pr9YVD05x8M


This song has been on my heart to share, and just listen to it. It's a good reminder of who I am living for.

Him before me

Love, Hannah 

placement

I know I said I would blog everyday but I have come to see how difficult it is to do so. I want to put out quality in these posts because this is how I can reach out to readers. 

I feel so tired and lost. God has been teaching me so many things about myself but I have forgotten to learn about him. He truly is my everything but there are so many things going on in life that I just feel so overwhelmed. 

I know that God is leading me somewhere but I just do not know where. I just hope I follow...

This is personally one photo that I really love. I took this around Berkeley, not expecting such a mysterious shot. I'm really happy with the turn out though.

Turn me around

I know i haven't blogged in a while. I'm sorry:( Life has gotten the best of me and I have been feeling depressed and anxious. I have been learning a lot about myself but I just haven't been searching for God. I have been loving the things of this world rather than loving God. 

This is a photo that I took a couple months ago. All i want to do is sit with a mug of something, anything really and just sit. I just want to sit, know that God is in control, and relax. It is quite hard but I know that I have to do it.